February 1, 2021
I started thinking about this post over a month ago, before the end of 2020, when I really REALLY wanted to get back to who I am, who I want to be, who I want others to see me as.
But I didn't.
The Truth: I'm struggling.
I'm struggling with loneliness and isolation. I'm struggling with physical and mental motivation. I'm struggling to find joy in the things that used to make me happy. I'm bitter at the people flaunting mask free vacations and parties, NYE out with groups of people not in their immediate families. I'm bitter that friends and family who have been sick and are struggling to recover. I don't have close friends/family who have passed away as a result of Covid, but I'm 1 person removed from a LOT of folks who've lost their battle. I'm bitter that my business, my livelihood, has been on pause for over a year and I don't see a clear restart date.
The best way for me to describe it is "Survival Mode vs Prosper Mode" - I'm just trying to get through. It's the best I've got right now. I have put off my goals, dreams, and projects, waiting for "normal" to come back. And then it hits me - the old normal, the way we are used to things, whelp... I don't think it's coming back.
And that is the first thought in a downward spiral that I just can't seem to shake. Depression leads to inactivity, which makes me depressed, and lather, rinse, repeat.
So, how do I flip the script? Great question. If I knew, I'd be there.
I'm happiest when I have a mission, a purpose, a deadline, and accountability. Self imposed or externally set, I am most successful on a schedule. I've made some progress, and have lots of work to do to get off this struggle bus.
So, here's where I'm at:
Movement:
In January, I started with a movement challenge - 30 minutes of intentional movement: Dog walks, yoga, workout, Pilates videos, Scooping snow, whatever - as long as it was 30 minutes, on purpose. Color in the day if you accomplish that 30 minutes.
Here's January:
My goal is 4 workouts a week, but to get started I felt like any movement, as long as it was intentional, could count.
Time to up the game. I'm going to color coordinate warm colors for workouts, cool colors for more "passive", but intentional movement.
Recovery is important, and I don't want minimize the importance of that, but I also want to be clear about my goals and know if I'm on track to accomplish that. This visual method works for me. It's a little thing to color in that space, but it's an accomplishment on days when you don't feel like you've accomplished much else.
I also purchased a stationary bike for the house, so on days when it's just too cold/snowy/stupid to get outside or head to a gym, I've got that for a cardio option.
Ok, so that is how I'm moving forward with movement. In what ways are you staying active? What are your goals and how are you tracking your progress? Want to meet up for a workout, walk, or to go sledding? I'm a YES to all of those things! We can be socially distant and masked!
Nutrition:
This is always a challenge, even when I have great tools in my toolbox. When I'm down, food is my crutch. I like to bake and cook when I'm grumpy, and I was raised not to waste food. But with Covid restrictions, I don't see anyone to give the treats away. So, "waste not, want not" and down the hatch they go. I'm starting fresh this month, trying to get back into the fuel my body mindset, but allowing some yummies. 80/20 rule!
I'm always down for yummy new recipes - so if you have a recipe that has knocked your socks off, I'm always game to try it! I've also ordered my first Hello Fresh box. I won't do them weekly, maybe one box a month, but I think zipping something new into my cooking routine will be good for me.
I've got my superfood nutrition with Isagenix, and started on my Collagen elixir supplement. I'm putting myself on a 28 day challenge - if I stick to the program, I ALWAYS feel better physically and mentally. Back to basics, as they say.
If you're interested in learning more about my superfood nutrition, our new marine collagen, skin care, or sports performance - I'm always happy to share. When I get out of my own way and actually follow the program, I feel amazing. Mentally, I've just been lazy and unmotivated, which begets more of the same. Time to get back on program and reinforce good habits. It saves time and money, and I feel amazing - so, it's time to get dialed in.
Mental Health:
Here's where the struggle gets real. I know the benefits of gratitude and meditation, and yet over the last several months, I've not been able to focus on being present as much as I'd like and I've been resentful instead of grateful.
I've added some reading and listening to my days to help find perspective, to learn about others (more non-fiction that I'm used to reading, to be honest), and get out of my own head a bit. That does seem to help. I'll have a separate post about what I'm reading. For now, send me your favorite recommendations! If you have a book to lend me, I'll take great care of it and return it post haste!
The part time gig, meant to be a stop gap for a few months (that keep stretching on and on) is more stressful than it needs to be and is also physically demanding. Knowing I have to go there the next day sours my evening. Coming home after a unorganized, understaffed day sucks the energy and any will to do something for myself away. I know it's temporary - but not temporary enough! At some point, soon, I'm going to have to address if my business can continue in the age of Covid, or if I need to move forward with a new career choice. Only time will tell.
The hardest part for me is missing my people. I'm an extravert by nature. I want to be out, have people over, meet for lunch, workout together, see movies, go to concerts, grab a comedy show, and travel and work with new people as often as I can. But right now, those activities are irresponsible, could cost me or someone I love our health. What's worse, while many of us are suffering, following the rules and doing all that we can to mitigate, we get to bear witness to folks on social media traveling, hanging out, throwing parties, holiday gatherings - all mask free and living it up. ARGH!
It's like working on a group project and you're the only one doing the work. We'll never get through this if we don't all work together, in the same direction! So, instead of finding gratitude that I am healthy and I'm able to do my part in slowing the spread, I'm angry, bitter, and judgmental of those people who can't be bothered to think of others before they think of themselves.
If you know a way to help me cope with this issue, I'm all ears.
What all this amounts to is: I need an action plan. For now, I'm focusing on the things that I can control. I'm building some accountability in, specifically in areas that I know affect my mood (movement, nutrition). But that's not enough.
I'll be working on my Big Five in the coming days: The five big goals that I'll lay out for 2021.
These five things usually involve large scale projects, skills to learn, or changes to be made. I'm chewing on a few options, but need to evaluate which have the potential to impact me in the most positive way, both during the process and after it's completion. After all, life isn't a destination, but a journey. I want to benefit from both.
Perhaps having a positive focus, timelines and projects to keep my brain active and not dwelling on the things that I can't control will be beneficial. I'll let you know how it's all going.
So, now what?
Time to refocus, time to listen to myself, time to do what I know, time to ask for help.
I hope you are all well and staying safe! Move every day, eat healthy food, get some rest, love more, and wear your mask.
Ciao for now!
<3 Jen
